WHY UNIVERSITY PROFESSORS DESPISE THE FIVE-PARAGRAPH PAPER

(AND YOU SHOULD TOO)

Many students come to college armed with a truly horrible and dishonest tool called “the five-paragraph paper.” The vile little model works like this:

         • Paragraph 1: asserts a thesis and offers three reasons why the thesis is “true.”

         • Paragraph 2: takes the first reason mentioned in paragraph one, adds examples, a healthy dollop of padding, and restates the thesis.

         • Paragraph 3: takes the second reason mentioned in paragraph one, adds examples, a healthy dollop of padding, and restates the thesis.

         • Paragraph 4: takes the third reason mentioned in paragraph one, adds examples, a healthy dollop of padding, and restates the thesis

         • Paragraph 5: restates the thesis. The paper ends with a summary.

This model suggests that three reasons can be found for any claim. It limits the writer's opportunity to organize the paper, develop ideas, and identify problematic issues. It often is part of a pro/con assignment that asks students to take simple "positions" on complex issues. Students are kept from higher level thinking that emphasizes the problematic nature of any claim. Worst of all is that it prevents you from putting your skepticism and intelligence to work.

An Example of the Horrific Potential of the Five-Paragraph Paper

Paragraph 1

Adolf Hitler was a great man. He stopped inflation in Germany after World War I. He stopped unemployment in Germany after World War I. Citizens read his autobiography even more than they read the Bible. Hitler was a great man.

Paragraph 2

After World War I, Germans had to pay war reparations. Their economy was bad. Hitler’s economic plan stopped inflation. Hitler was great because he stopped inflation.

Paragraph 3

After World War I, Germans faced widespread unemployment. By re-starting industries, he put people back to work. Hitler was great because he stopped unemployment.

Paragraph 4

Everyone in Germany read Mein Kampf, Hitler’s autobiography. It offers a detailed plan to make Germany prosperous and powerful. By giving people a sense of purpose, Hitler proved he was great.

Paragraph 5

Hitler was great because he did so many thing for Germany. His ability to take economic control and give people a vision of the future made him a great man.

The five-paragraph model fails because it omits all the interesting questions, discoveries, and problems that should have preceded writing. All the messing around that you do as you think about something is a crucial part of the bigger writing process. Semiotics helps you develop this part of your own thinking, and then to transfer your best thinking onto paper.

The problems with the five-paragraph model are obvious: it’s not skeptical, and it leads to ignorant statements like the ones above, statements whose dishonesty permits abominable distortions. As you might expect, professors don’t respect arguments that begin with an assertion and then seek to “prove” it. They spend lots of time trying looking for “anomalies” in their subject area, and then they try to explain what doesn’t make sense. This is the opposite process of the five-paragraph paper.

Remember, professors love unanswered questions, flawed observations, and unsolved problems. They love to describe the oddball thing and try and fit it into the way their discipline (chemistry, history, English, whatever) makes sense of things. The map metaphor takes you through some of the first steps of such critical thinking. The model is meant to teach you a specific kind of thinking that will shape your final writing.

So if you’ve been told that a five-paragraph model “works,” that’s sort of true, but it’s like walking on the freeway. It works for a while, but then you get run over.